Showing posts with label Marriage Matters. Show all posts
Marriage Matters: Super Mom or Super Wife?
I thought I'd elaborate a bit on that new season I was telling y'all about....
I don't know about you, but perhaps when you became a mom you knew exactly what to do, you'd been around countless other moms and babies, and you knew how you wanted to bring up your children. You found it easy to feed, easy to wean, easy to keep house and balance everything. True?
Me? Er, not so much.
Perhaps it was giving birth for the first time in South Korea? I didn't have the faintest clue what on earth I was doing. Quite literally every step of the way - I look back on the birth of my firstborn and wonder how it was possible to know so little - granted it happened in South Korea, we didn't have a computer to our name and the only Lamaze class I found was this dodgy video I bought over the Internet. It's laughable now, really it is.
Or perhaps the whirlwind of returning to Zimbabwe, selling everything we owned, and moving to South Africa with two suitcases and a 4 month old baby?
Perhaps having been without a community in South Korea for almost a year (we didn't live near any Westerners), or the having to start all over again in South Africa...which for those of you who have moved countries or continents know, is excruciatingly hard.
Whatever it was, (perhaps just plain old motherhood?), I found those first years hard.
Exceptionally.
I had this perception that a perfect mom gave 100% of her time and attention ALL the time to her child. So my firstborn son had my undivided attention from the moment he woke to the moment he slept. No really, I kid you not. I did not do housework. I did not cook. That had to come when he was napping or in bed. There was even a season when Braveheart returned from work and cooked dinner. See what I mean?
Thankfully, time has passed. And here I am now.
I now have three children, who are 7, 5 and 3.
And I have grown up a bit. A lot.
And He has opened my eyes some.
And then some.
And I am surer now of the steps I'm taking as a mother.
I've relaxed into this motherhood thing. (Okay, well truthfully I'm still as intense. But it feels different!)
Who knew this journey would be so bewildering? That it could be so hard, so lonely, so new, so exciting, so daring, such an adventure?
But I feel my wings unfurling. I feel a new wind beneath me. I am who I am now, and I'm at peace.
And this what I am seeing now, in this season.
The most important thing is not that I am the Best Parent Ever.
Or that I am the Best Mother.
Or that I am even a Homeschooling Success Story.
Nope. The most important calling for me, first and foremost should be my calling as a wife.
For that's what I was in the beginning, a wife - before the Clan was conceived, and that's what I will be primarily, when my clan has cleaved.
But I don't want to only re discover the joy/beauty/importance of being a wife in 20 years time.
No.
In the here and now, I want to remember that I am Braveheart's helpmeet. His companion. His lover. That our intimacy is important. Our communication is key. Because you see, without this a marriage may crumble. Slowly start to decay. Or at the very least settle down into mediocrity.
And I'm having none of that.
A year ago Braveheart and I stood at a serious crossroad in our marriage. The kind of crossroad that slams you in the face, takes you by surprise and leaves you breathless, trembling, wondering how on earth you could be the couple facing such a crisis. Now, looking back, I'm glad Braveheart proved to me how much he wanted us to last. That he chose to fight. I'm thankful I chose to fight.
And I know this: It really is a fight to guard the heart of your marriage.
To guard it so that it will last. Fiercely protecting it.
Show me a strong marriage, and I will show you happy and secure children. The presence of raw real Love securing and affirming them in who they are, day in and day out.
(..and to those of you who may be single/widowed parents reading this, please know that I do truly believe God can stand in the gap for you, but, well, it's even harder when you're on your own, and my heart goes out to you...)
And so God has laid it on my heart to start focusing on the heart of my marriage. To start paying attention to it with the same passion I approached parenting (okay, so ask yourself - when did you last read a good book/blog/article on marriage? And when did you last read a book/blog/article on parenting, motherhood or something of a homeschool nature? Food for thought huh?).
Now perhaps you're one of those lucky women whose close girlfriends are just around the corner. Women whom you can share your soul with and with whom you have history. Godly women whom you can talk to about marriage and sex and Real Things without feeling awkward, ashamed or like you're betraying your loved one. O perhaps you have an awesome Mom who shared everything with you and with whom you share everything.
Me? Again, not so much. My dearest oldest friends live in other countries, and with the Zimbabwean diaspora, most live on other continents. I'm slowly making good friends and as the years pass by, there's recent history here...but for those of you like me, I wanted to share some communities I've recently stumbled on that exalt marriage, and Oneness, and Intimacy. And I hope that they will bless you. And that together, we can be Super Wives, not just Super Moms!
One Flesh Marriage - Brad and Kate blog here and I love that you can read both a wife and a husband's viewpoint on the same subject....
Hot Holy and Humorous - J says, "I am...a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. What I write about in this blog is the kind of stuff I would talk to my closest girlfriend about in confidence, but plenty of us don't have someone who'll chat biblically and bluntly with them. Read my posts to see how sex in a Christian marriage can be HOT, HOLY & HUMOROUS!"
Intimacy in Marriage - Julie Silbert says, "I am simply a Christian wife with a heart to offer hope, encouragement and resources on this sensitive topic. I am like a lot of you, in that I juggle a full life. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a family member…and the days seem to fly by a bit too fast. It’s crazy! I love the Lord and I am tremendously grateful for the call on my heart to come alongside other women in their journeys. We are not quite as alone in it all as we sometimes feel.
The Romantic Vineyard Tom and Debi Walter say, "Our prayer is that this site will provide couples many ideas and resources for growing their marriage to glorify God in all things! Notice the tabs at the top - these will lead you into different “rooms” in our vineyard; each one with it’s own purpose."
CWIVES - "CWIVES or “Christian Wives Initiating, Valuing, and Enjoying Sex” is your trusted resource for biblically-based, practical advice for making your marriage sizzle God’s way. The I, V, and E parts of sex don’t always come easy to women, particularly after the honeymoon glow fades, and the laundry, bills, and children pile up. And when wives don’t prioritize or value sex, we don’t initiate sex very often—if at all. We can become sexual slackers, not doing our fair share to make our marriage sizzle!"
To Love, Honor and Vaccuum - Sheila Wray Gregoire is a Christian speaker, columnist, and author. She's written five books, including the upcoming The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus.
I don't know about you, but perhaps when you became a mom you knew exactly what to do, you'd been around countless other moms and babies, and you knew how you wanted to bring up your children. You found it easy to feed, easy to wean, easy to keep house and balance everything. True?
Me? Er, not so much.
Perhaps it was giving birth for the first time in South Korea? I didn't have the faintest clue what on earth I was doing. Quite literally every step of the way - I look back on the birth of my firstborn and wonder how it was possible to know so little - granted it happened in South Korea, we didn't have a computer to our name and the only Lamaze class I found was this dodgy video I bought over the Internet. It's laughable now, really it is.
Or perhaps the whirlwind of returning to Zimbabwe, selling everything we owned, and moving to South Africa with two suitcases and a 4 month old baby?
Perhaps having been without a community in South Korea for almost a year (we didn't live near any Westerners), or the having to start all over again in South Africa...which for those of you who have moved countries or continents know, is excruciatingly hard.
Whatever it was, (perhaps just plain old motherhood?), I found those first years hard.
Exceptionally.
I had this perception that a perfect mom gave 100% of her time and attention ALL the time to her child. So my firstborn son had my undivided attention from the moment he woke to the moment he slept. No really, I kid you not. I did not do housework. I did not cook. That had to come when he was napping or in bed. There was even a season when Braveheart returned from work and cooked dinner. See what I mean?
Thankfully, time has passed. And here I am now.
I now have three children, who are 7, 5 and 3.
And I have grown up a bit. A lot.
And He has opened my eyes some.
And then some.
And I am surer now of the steps I'm taking as a mother.
I've relaxed into this motherhood thing. (Okay, well truthfully I'm still as intense. But it feels different!)
Who knew this journey would be so bewildering? That it could be so hard, so lonely, so new, so exciting, so daring, such an adventure?
But I feel my wings unfurling. I feel a new wind beneath me. I am who I am now, and I'm at peace.
And this what I am seeing now, in this season.
The most important thing is not that I am the Best Parent Ever.
Or that I am the Best Mother.
Or that I am even a Homeschooling Success Story.
Nope. The most important calling for me, first and foremost should be my calling as a wife.
For that's what I was in the beginning, a wife - before the Clan was conceived, and that's what I will be primarily, when my clan has cleaved.
But I don't want to only re discover the joy/beauty/importance of being a wife in 20 years time.
No.
In the here and now, I want to remember that I am Braveheart's helpmeet. His companion. His lover. That our intimacy is important. Our communication is key. Because you see, without this a marriage may crumble. Slowly start to decay. Or at the very least settle down into mediocrity.
And I'm having none of that.
A year ago Braveheart and I stood at a serious crossroad in our marriage. The kind of crossroad that slams you in the face, takes you by surprise and leaves you breathless, trembling, wondering how on earth you could be the couple facing such a crisis. Now, looking back, I'm glad Braveheart proved to me how much he wanted us to last. That he chose to fight. I'm thankful I chose to fight.
And I know this: It really is a fight to guard the heart of your marriage.
To guard it so that it will last. Fiercely protecting it.
Show me a strong marriage, and I will show you happy and secure children. The presence of raw real Love securing and affirming them in who they are, day in and day out.
(..and to those of you who may be single/widowed parents reading this, please know that I do truly believe God can stand in the gap for you, but, well, it's even harder when you're on your own, and my heart goes out to you...)
And so God has laid it on my heart to start focusing on the heart of my marriage. To start paying attention to it with the same passion I approached parenting (okay, so ask yourself - when did you last read a good book/blog/article on marriage? And when did you last read a book/blog/article on parenting, motherhood or something of a homeschool nature? Food for thought huh?).
Now perhaps you're one of those lucky women whose close girlfriends are just around the corner. Women whom you can share your soul with and with whom you have history. Godly women whom you can talk to about marriage and sex and Real Things without feeling awkward, ashamed or like you're betraying your loved one. O perhaps you have an awesome Mom who shared everything with you and with whom you share everything.
Me? Again, not so much. My dearest oldest friends live in other countries, and with the Zimbabwean diaspora, most live on other continents. I'm slowly making good friends and as the years pass by, there's recent history here...but for those of you like me, I wanted to share some communities I've recently stumbled on that exalt marriage, and Oneness, and Intimacy. And I hope that they will bless you. And that together, we can be Super Wives, not just Super Moms!
One Flesh Marriage - Brad and Kate blog here and I love that you can read both a wife and a husband's viewpoint on the same subject....
Hot Holy and Humorous - J says, "I am...a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. What I write about in this blog is the kind of stuff I would talk to my closest girlfriend about in confidence, but plenty of us don't have someone who'll chat biblically and bluntly with them. Read my posts to see how sex in a Christian marriage can be HOT, HOLY & HUMOROUS!"
Intimacy in Marriage - Julie Silbert says, "I am simply a Christian wife with a heart to offer hope, encouragement and resources on this sensitive topic. I am like a lot of you, in that I juggle a full life. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a family member…and the days seem to fly by a bit too fast. It’s crazy! I love the Lord and I am tremendously grateful for the call on my heart to come alongside other women in their journeys. We are not quite as alone in it all as we sometimes feel.
The Romantic Vineyard Tom and Debi Walter say, "Our prayer is that this site will provide couples many ideas and resources for growing their marriage to glorify God in all things! Notice the tabs at the top - these will lead you into different “rooms” in our vineyard; each one with it’s own purpose."
CWIVES - "CWIVES or “Christian Wives Initiating, Valuing, and Enjoying Sex” is your trusted resource for biblically-based, practical advice for making your marriage sizzle God’s way. The I, V, and E parts of sex don’t always come easy to women, particularly after the honeymoon glow fades, and the laundry, bills, and children pile up. And when wives don’t prioritize or value sex, we don’t initiate sex very often—if at all. We can become sexual slackers, not doing our fair share to make our marriage sizzle!"
To Love, Honor and Vaccuum - Sheila Wray Gregoire is a Christian speaker, columnist, and author. She's written five books, including the upcoming The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus.
Intimate Issues - Sensuous and Godly?(II)
(Please read this post here to see where this story begins, and this one for the first chapter's nuggets...)
"How can I be godly and sensuous?" is the question at the heart of Dillow and Pintus' second chapter, and one that I think possibly can reverberate in the heads of Christian women. Can a godly wife be sensuous? Have Christian women denied their sensuousness in a quest to become godly?
Webster defines sensuous as "pertaining to the senses; appealing to the senses, alive to the pleasure received through the senses''. Sensuous is a positive term whereas sensual, on the other hand, is most often used in the negative, referring to an unrestrained sexual appetite, which is always wrong and ungodly (Gal 5:19).
When God created us female, he integrated our sexuality and our spirituality - He meant for the spiritual and sexual to melt together. Why else would God take the ultimate sexual act, sexual intercourse, between a husband and wife, and liken it to the ultimate spiritual experience, the union of Christ and the Church? (Eph 5: 31-32). Many women have thanked God that He knit them together in their mother's wombs, that he made them fearfully and wonderfully (PS 139:13-14) ...but what they fail to acknowledge is that their sexuality is part of their physical make up. Have you ever thanked God that when he knit your physical make up together, part of His embroidery was your sexuality? Our sexuality and spirituality and not separate and divided - Vonette Bright beautifully describes it: "It is as important to be filled with the Spirit in bed with your husband, ministering to him, as it is for you to be filled with the Spirit when you are teaching the Bible or ministering.
"How can I be godly and sensuous?" is the question at the heart of Dillow and Pintus' second chapter, and one that I think possibly can reverberate in the heads of Christian women. Can a godly wife be sensuous? Have Christian women denied their sensuousness in a quest to become godly?
Webster defines sensuous as "pertaining to the senses; appealing to the senses, alive to the pleasure received through the senses''. Sensuous is a positive term whereas sensual, on the other hand, is most often used in the negative, referring to an unrestrained sexual appetite, which is always wrong and ungodly (Gal 5:19).
When God created us female, he integrated our sexuality and our spirituality - He meant for the spiritual and sexual to melt together. Why else would God take the ultimate sexual act, sexual intercourse, between a husband and wife, and liken it to the ultimate spiritual experience, the union of Christ and the Church? (Eph 5: 31-32). Many women have thanked God that He knit them together in their mother's wombs, that he made them fearfully and wonderfully (PS 139:13-14) ...but what they fail to acknowledge is that their sexuality is part of their physical make up. Have you ever thanked God that when he knit your physical make up together, part of His embroidery was your sexuality? Our sexuality and spirituality and not separate and divided - Vonette Bright beautifully describes it: "It is as important to be filled with the Spirit in bed with your husband, ministering to him, as it is for you to be filled with the Spirit when you are teaching the Bible or ministering.
Once we grasp how intricately God has created us; how our sexuality and spirituality are linked; that as godly women we can indeed be sensuousness we can find freedom.
In studying the Song of Songs Dillow & Proust draw out some lessons that can be learnt from Shulamith, Solomon's bride (go take a look, they're not making it up - these are the lessons God has painted there for us!):
In studying the Song of Songs Dillow & Proust draw out some lessons that can be learnt from Shulamith, Solomon's bride (go take a look, they're not making it up - these are the lessons God has painted there for us!):
- She is responsive
- She is adventurous
- She is uninhibited
- She is expressive
- She is sensuous
I love the encouragement they give at the end of this chapter - that the place to start enacting change is not in the bedroom but on your knees. Changed actions are the result of changes attitudes, and changed attitudes begin with prayer....
Ask him for a new mind, an undivided heart, and for his help to make you into the sensuous lover he created you to be...
Tag :
Intimate Issues,
Marriage Matters,
Intimate Issues - Whose Voice is Loudest? (I)
"Intimate Issues" is the title of a brilliant book I picked up whilst in Ballito (and echoes something of the heart of what I wrote here -Taboo or Not Taboo?). Written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, (Christian women have been married for over 45 years), it is an incredibly heart warming look at christian women and the way they view sex, and answers to some twenty one of the most pressing questions asked.
I've chosen, again, to share the nuggets that have stood out for me. They've been deep, light bulb moments, illuminating the recesses of my heart where I have just grown tired of asking the same questions and not hearing God answer. But I have reached a turning point, and as I look steadily into his face and take his hand and follow where he leads, I am renewed. Refreshed. Hopeful. And I want to take you along - so that you too can be refreshed...
Chapter One is a very necessary foundation all of us should examine: What does God really think about sex? The authors begin by outlining some of the most common voices women listen to when asking what sex is all about...these conflicting voices cause such confusion! Can you recognize any of them?
I've chosen, again, to share the nuggets that have stood out for me. They've been deep, light bulb moments, illuminating the recesses of my heart where I have just grown tired of asking the same questions and not hearing God answer. But I have reached a turning point, and as I look steadily into his face and take his hand and follow where he leads, I am renewed. Refreshed. Hopeful. And I want to take you along - so that you too can be refreshed...
Chapter One is a very necessary foundation all of us should examine: What does God really think about sex? The authors begin by outlining some of the most common voices women listen to when asking what sex is all about...these conflicting voices cause such confusion! Can you recognize any of them?
- the voice of Victorian era eg "Don't talk about it; stay under the covers with the lights off" (laughable now, but imagine, this was so many women's reality!)
- the voices of sexual pioneers like Freud, Kinsey, Virginia Johnson whose tone offended our sensibilities eg do x, y and z, program your body and it will orgasm.
- voices of certain church fathers like Augustine, Thomas Aquinas and even Martin Luther said things like as long as sex was without passion or enjoyment, then it wasn't considered a sin (gulp - can you imagine? I'm mighty glad I was born when I was!)
- voices of mothers - some give wise advice, others have given negative messages like "Only those kinds of girls enjoy sex"or "Sex is man's thing, you just endure it", or simply, sadly, silence.
- Voices of some older married women - "Wait until you've been married twenty years, it gets old"
- Voice of the media - the greatest lie of all, sex just happens naturally. Both the man and the women know everything, do everything just right and are instantly perfect lovers. Sigh.
Friend, which of these voices have you been listening to? Which of these have most influenced you? God's thoughts seldom enter our heads because we just don't know what he says about sex, but these other voices shout at us from everywhere, clamouring for our undivided attention! Shopping aisels, billboards, movies, books...
I've never really spend much time diligently searching Scriptures to really hear what God says about sex, the only voice that's really important. Dillow & Pintus examine what we can deduce from the Scriptures. God's voice declares:
- I gave the gift of sex that you might create life (Gen 1:28)
- I gave the gift of sex for Intimate Oneness (Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31-32). As they point out, it's as if God is saying "through your lovemaking I've given you a visual picture so that when you experience the beauty of physical intimacy, you will have a glimmer, an earthly idea, of all I desire for you spiritually, a sweet union of your spirit with mine". Food for thought huh?
- I gave the gift of sex for knowledge (Gen 4:1 in the NKJV, the Hebrew word of sexual intercourse ins the word 'to know'. Isn't that beautiful? There's an intimate knowing we get to have of our husband that no one else has...
- I gave the gift of sex for Pleasure - Song of Songs, a whole BOOK of the Bible is dedicated to God trying to show us this. I've heard it said that Hebrew boys weren't even allowed to read this book until they were considered men because in the original Hebrew it was erotic! I think our English translators squirmed in their seats when they tried to translate it, and as a result we have this watered down version of it! I'm loving finding more accurate translations as it really is renewing my mind as to God's intention. Other passages that speak of the joy of married love include Proverbs 5:15, 18-19)
- I gave the gift of Sex as a defense against temptation. (1 Cor 7: 2, 5)
- I gave the gift of sex for comfort 2 Samuel, 12:24 - lovemaking is rich with compassion and love, and it can bring such solace, often speaking far more than words can.
Whose Voice is Loudest in your life? Food for thought, huh?
Tag :
Intimate Issues,
Marriage Matters,
Taboo or not taboo?
You know what I find most interesting? Every now and then (ahem, that's a lie, fairly often!) I dip into the stats on my blog, and I check what you like to read about. And for some months I've been flummaxed that one of my most popular posts is Marriage Matters.
What I deduce from that, is that at the heart of all of us women (I'm assuming it's mostly women who read my blog:)) is a deep desire to enrich our marriages, to make this lifetime union work...we're on a quest whether we realize it or not, to find like minded souls with whom we can bare our souls so that we can be encouraged and grow. And too often, we don't share. We remain 'perfect' on the outside...thanks to Mel for so pertinently labeling this as the 'untouchable' things in our lives)....
I have spent the last three days reading this post, editing it, rewriting it, with Braveheart over my shoulder. (Yes, he subscribes to my blog and I occasionally call him in to read something before I hit publish...) This is something we both feel strongly about, both desiring for God's people to find freedom and truth....
So..in the spirit of building marriages and enriching our unions, I choose to share with you how God ordained a meeting with two lovely ladies in Ballito....
And before you read further, let me lay a foundation with this: I'm not sure what your road into marriage or intimacy looked like...I'm not sure if you felt prepared for s3x, or have found intimacy; I'm not sure if you find s3x empty and pointless, or have an incredible relationship with your husband; I'm not sure if you are weighed down by past sexual experiences with someone other than your husband....
But I do know this.... sadly, something that God created and designed for pure pleasure and enjoyment within marriage has become so sullied and twisted by the world's portrayal of it, that Christian women have stopped talking about s3x, stopped sharing and caring and preparing new brides. Christian women are often left to learn everything from the world's perspective, which is OFTEN incorrect.
(Please note: in no way am I supporting women who talk about their husbands in an unhealthy way, or ignore the sacredness of the marriage bed...)
I find it fascinating that we can study Ruth for loyalty, or Esther for courage, or the Proverbs 31 woman for guidance in being a wife/homemaker/mother, or read endless blogs to encourage us along those paths...but have any of us ever studied (and I mean REALLY studied) the Shulamite woman in Song of Songs? Have you ever heard women's Bible studies on her? Ever found a blog exhorting and edifying s3x withing marriage? And yet, that is God's gift to us: a book IN THE BIBLE, all about s3x, about his delight in us learning about our sensousness...
Whilst in Ballito, I had the privilege of meeting Lisa Opperman and Caryn of Sensuous (go on over:can you really hear their hearts?), an intimacy boutique for women.
These two women have followed the call of God to create a safe haven for women where s3x and the marriage bed can be celebrated. Having met with both of them, and having spent some time with Lisa, all I can say is how amazed I am how God has used them. I so love their heart's desire for women to realize the immense power they hold when they realize how sensuous God created them to be and the utter delight they can bring their husbands. Men most crave our respect, and by understanding and respecting their desire/need to have s3x, we honor them...and we honor God.
They also speak at ladies gatherings, offer counselling, encouragement and advice to/for women (something I think Christianity is sorely lacking - Ttius 2 in every area), hold bridal showers at their shop, and with an arrangement, you can start a 'date night' with your husband at the shop trying on the lingerie he likes (they'll provide canapes and champagne!).
Both women love God, and their husbands have recognized the calling of God on their lives, and the pastors of their churches have blessed their work. I am in awe of the restorative, redeeming work God has done in their lives....and in the short time I've known them, I have learnt so much from them. When I think back to the pre marital counselling Braveheart and I received, it's something that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time! It prepared us for pretty much nothing - so shallow it skimmed the surface of critical issues. I don't think I was ever fully prepared for what my role of being a wife is truly all about, or taught how critically important we are to our husbands' well being in EVERY area. I have cried out to God for years for understanding; for older, experienced women to come alongside me to teach, encourage and inspire me, especially in the area of sexual intimacy (there are many complex issues at work for me here). For years I have felt imprisoned - you can't just talk to anyone! It was so important for me to have someone to talk to who shared my world view...and it seems like it took a trip to Ballito to find them!
May we continually catch a glimpse of God's heart for us women and what he desires for our marriages...
May God open our eyes...
May we reclaim s3x from the world for it belongs to God, and is rightfully ours...
ps if you feel uncomfortable leaving a comment here, you can inbox me directly....karen {at} sunrise {dot} co {dot} za
What I deduce from that, is that at the heart of all of us women (I'm assuming it's mostly women who read my blog:)) is a deep desire to enrich our marriages, to make this lifetime union work...we're on a quest whether we realize it or not, to find like minded souls with whom we can bare our souls so that we can be encouraged and grow. And too often, we don't share. We remain 'perfect' on the outside...thanks to Mel for so pertinently labeling this as the 'untouchable' things in our lives)....
I have spent the last three days reading this post, editing it, rewriting it, with Braveheart over my shoulder. (Yes, he subscribes to my blog and I occasionally call him in to read something before I hit publish...) This is something we both feel strongly about, both desiring for God's people to find freedom and truth....
So..in the spirit of building marriages and enriching our unions, I choose to share with you how God ordained a meeting with two lovely ladies in Ballito....
And before you read further, let me lay a foundation with this: I'm not sure what your road into marriage or intimacy looked like...I'm not sure if you felt prepared for s3x, or have found intimacy; I'm not sure if you find s3x empty and pointless, or have an incredible relationship with your husband; I'm not sure if you are weighed down by past sexual experiences with someone other than your husband....
But I do know this.... sadly, something that God created and designed for pure pleasure and enjoyment within marriage has become so sullied and twisted by the world's portrayal of it, that Christian women have stopped talking about s3x, stopped sharing and caring and preparing new brides. Christian women are often left to learn everything from the world's perspective, which is OFTEN incorrect.
(Please note: in no way am I supporting women who talk about their husbands in an unhealthy way, or ignore the sacredness of the marriage bed...)
I find it fascinating that we can study Ruth for loyalty, or Esther for courage, or the Proverbs 31 woman for guidance in being a wife/homemaker/mother, or read endless blogs to encourage us along those paths...but have any of us ever studied (and I mean REALLY studied) the Shulamite woman in Song of Songs? Have you ever heard women's Bible studies on her? Ever found a blog exhorting and edifying s3x withing marriage? And yet, that is God's gift to us: a book IN THE BIBLE, all about s3x, about his delight in us learning about our sensousness...
Whilst in Ballito, I had the privilege of meeting Lisa Opperman and Caryn of Sensuous (go on over:can you really hear their hearts?), an intimacy boutique for women.
These two women have followed the call of God to create a safe haven for women where s3x and the marriage bed can be celebrated. Having met with both of them, and having spent some time with Lisa, all I can say is how amazed I am how God has used them. I so love their heart's desire for women to realize the immense power they hold when they realize how sensuous God created them to be and the utter delight they can bring their husbands. Men most crave our respect, and by understanding and respecting their desire/need to have s3x, we honor them...and we honor God.
They also speak at ladies gatherings, offer counselling, encouragement and advice to/for women (something I think Christianity is sorely lacking - Ttius 2 in every area), hold bridal showers at their shop, and with an arrangement, you can start a 'date night' with your husband at the shop trying on the lingerie he likes (they'll provide canapes and champagne!).
Both women love God, and their husbands have recognized the calling of God on their lives, and the pastors of their churches have blessed their work. I am in awe of the restorative, redeeming work God has done in their lives....and in the short time I've known them, I have learnt so much from them. When I think back to the pre marital counselling Braveheart and I received, it's something that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time! It prepared us for pretty much nothing - so shallow it skimmed the surface of critical issues. I don't think I was ever fully prepared for what my role of being a wife is truly all about, or taught how critically important we are to our husbands' well being in EVERY area. I have cried out to God for years for understanding; for older, experienced women to come alongside me to teach, encourage and inspire me, especially in the area of sexual intimacy (there are many complex issues at work for me here). For years I have felt imprisoned - you can't just talk to anyone! It was so important for me to have someone to talk to who shared my world view...and it seems like it took a trip to Ballito to find them!
May we continually catch a glimpse of God's heart for us women and what he desires for our marriages...
May God open our eyes...
May we reclaim s3x from the world for it belongs to God, and is rightfully ours...
ps if you feel uncomfortable leaving a comment here, you can inbox me directly....karen {at} sunrise {dot} co {dot} za
Tag :
food for thought,
Marriage Matters,
Outside vs Inside
Tonight, I wrote this in my head whilst sitting on Noordhoek beach at sunset.
It was beautiful.
A beautiful tranquil ending to a stunning summer's day.
But that was the outside.
On the inside, I was churning. I was ugly.
Dark and twisted.
Those are the words I've used this week to describe my inner world.
I am having one of THOSE weeks. You know? The ones you think no one else could ever have?
Well, friend, I've got news for you. I know this blog has lovely photos on it. And I share our golden days and special memories, and all the things that give my brain food for thought, and the insights I gleam from God, and my musings on homeschooling. Too often, all of that 'window dressing' can make you think (well, maybe?) that I'm a saint (and if you don't that's great...chuckle)...
But you know what? I'm going to take you into my life and share a piece of the *real world*.
Why?
Because somehow I think as mothers (no, I think it's more as women) we get caught by lies, which can entangle us, ensnaring us ... leaving us all choked up. And we can forget that we are not alone. One of my fond memories a few years ago is meeting with a mom whom I love and respect (in the memory, I have tears streaming down my face and am sobbing), and her describing to me an afternoon where in frustration and anger she threw her kids shoes down the passage after them! My tears turned to laughter (after a wee while), because up until that point I didn't think she could possibly have moments like that in her home. Turns out she did.
Know what?
It's only when we are vulnerable with one another that we get to see that we are not alone.
And so I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Because I want you to know you are not alone.
My dark and twisted moments stem from parenting in a way that I never wanted to - somehow this week I am at loggerheads with all three of my precious children. My constant prayer is that God would not only save my children from me, but save me from myself, and let's face it, that's really not a very nice prayer to be sending up now is it? It always comes back to my tone...this is one Goliath I would really like to slay. And while we're at it, if I had more grace for them I think that would help too.
And it gets worse. O yes. Because this dark and twisted mood is a swirling vortex, pulling anything into it...including poor Braveheart. It is a grand challenge for me to remember that at the end of a day when I am filled with self loathing, that he is not the enemy, and that we are actually on the same team.
So. Somehow I'm hoping that God will work some kind of miracle overnight, or wave a wand like a fairy godmother and tomorrow morning I'll be the sweetest mother (and wife) ever...but I think the reality is that tomorrow is another day I will be falling into his grace and relying on him. Perhaps I'll copy the monks and take a vow of silence...
Here's hoping you know that you're not alone...with love....
It was beautiful.
A beautiful tranquil ending to a stunning summer's day.
But that was the outside.
On the inside, I was churning. I was ugly.
Dark and twisted.
Those are the words I've used this week to describe my inner world.
I am having one of THOSE weeks. You know? The ones you think no one else could ever have?
Well, friend, I've got news for you. I know this blog has lovely photos on it. And I share our golden days and special memories, and all the things that give my brain food for thought, and the insights I gleam from God, and my musings on homeschooling. Too often, all of that 'window dressing' can make you think (well, maybe?) that I'm a saint (and if you don't that's great...chuckle)...
But you know what? I'm going to take you into my life and share a piece of the *real world*.
Why?
Because somehow I think as mothers (no, I think it's more as women) we get caught by lies, which can entangle us, ensnaring us ... leaving us all choked up. And we can forget that we are not alone. One of my fond memories a few years ago is meeting with a mom whom I love and respect (in the memory, I have tears streaming down my face and am sobbing), and her describing to me an afternoon where in frustration and anger she threw her kids shoes down the passage after them! My tears turned to laughter (after a wee while), because up until that point I didn't think she could possibly have moments like that in her home. Turns out she did.
Know what?
It's only when we are vulnerable with one another that we get to see that we are not alone.
And so I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Because I want you to know you are not alone.
My dark and twisted moments stem from parenting in a way that I never wanted to - somehow this week I am at loggerheads with all three of my precious children. My constant prayer is that God would not only save my children from me, but save me from myself, and let's face it, that's really not a very nice prayer to be sending up now is it? It always comes back to my tone...this is one Goliath I would really like to slay. And while we're at it, if I had more grace for them I think that would help too.
And it gets worse. O yes. Because this dark and twisted mood is a swirling vortex, pulling anything into it...including poor Braveheart. It is a grand challenge for me to remember that at the end of a day when I am filled with self loathing, that he is not the enemy, and that we are actually on the same team.
So. Somehow I'm hoping that God will work some kind of miracle overnight, or wave a wand like a fairy godmother and tomorrow morning I'll be the sweetest mother (and wife) ever...but I think the reality is that tomorrow is another day I will be falling into his grace and relying on him. Perhaps I'll copy the monks and take a vow of silence...
Here's hoping you know that you're not alone...with love....
Marriage Matters
Something has been lingering in the corners of my heart the last few months, coming into focus more and more in the last few weeks and reaching a crystallized question this weekend.
As a woman, I am passionate. Might this be true for you?
As a mother, I am passionate. Might this be true for you?
And here, right here, this is where my passions can pool and get caught up.
Am I passionate as a wife? Might this be true for you?
Looking back over the last almost seven years that our home has been filled with children, I have begun to realize that they have received the lion's share of my attention and devotion. My children do need my attention. They do need my nurturing.
But my husband needs it more.
He needs to know that he comes first. That he matters. That above all else, the love we share is sacred. That we are a team. In twenty years time, it will, again, just be him and me. Just as I nurture the children, I need to be nurturing this relationship right here. Feeding it. Nourishing it.
I want to be more passionate about being a wife, than I am about being a mother....
Food for thought huh?
(And Ann shares her lovely walk along a similar theme over here - pop on over and be refreshed...)
Love endures long and is patient and kind...
Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
Love never fails
(I Cor 13, abridged to my liking: got to love the Amplified!)
Tag :
Marriage Matters,
