Karen's Clan

This week has started and I feel, at long last, as though I have found myself again.

attempting to make leaf angels!

I've found a little more balance and have come to a place where I feel much more centered...actually, anchored would be a more fitting word. I find myself constantly pressing into God, where I find the comfort he so readily gives.

I've made some changes - some small, some big; some for a season, some for now, some for forever perhaps! 

Trying to tick all of Sonlight's boxes has been a challenge for me for a long time, and although I have steadily unwound and relaxed, this year I have taken it even a little further. Part of my breakdown was just trying to fit everything in, and getting so frazzled when we weren't covering all that we needed too across the board each day. It was exasperating me! The changes that I've made have brought me a greater freedom, although I don't think that I have finished tweaking it at all!

I so identified with Nadene on fitting in the best parts and also found this post so helpful - and so I now structure my days into disciplined studies and inspirational studies:

• The boys now know that there is an allocated time for disciplined studies, which I've broken up into maths, writing and spelling/creative expression (and for Jonathan, reading). I also realized that trying to do Explode the Code, Wordly Wise, Language Arts etc was just too much for us each and every day, so now I've chosen one book each for the boys, and that's what we're going to work through from start to finish, and then we'll choose another book. I've also put time limits on our disciplined studies. Aragorn has such a beautiful creative spirit in him, if left to his own devices for even a moment he can draw aliens crawling out of numbers, and turn his letters into monsters etc...you get the picture. So I've limited them to 20-30 minutes for each disciplined study, and if they don't finish within that time, then they need to do it on their own for 'homework'- when it hurts them most - like when dad gets home, or when there's a turn on iPad or something like that. Aragorn has suffered this consequence once and I haven't had to do it again!
•  When it comes to our Inspirational studies, we no longer try to do Geography, History and Science each day either. King Arthur can handle a program like that with ease, but Aragorn is not wired that way at all. Part of my finding balance is continuing to stretch King Arthur's very capable brain, whilst helping Aragorn along in these early years. Our days were just too crowded with fitting in these subjects, and so I made the change to Unit Studies in April, which I created  from my existing Sonlight Core C curriculum for this year. We spent a whole month on Vikings, and now we're doing Science for a month or so (we're using Apologia's Flying Creatures, and are simply doing Birds this month). Then I plan to do the Medieval studies from Core C, and then, well, we'll see, I haven't planned further than that yet!

I feel myself being drawn along a path that leads me to ask - am I really inspiring learning, and that love of learning each day? And than can be a heavy burden to bear if one lets it, but I'm finding it easier as I relax into our journey a wee bit more, and keep asking God to lead, to show me, to point out the way forward.
After all, it's He who knows what their life will hold, and what they really need to be prepared for.

And as for me? I'm learning to find what really feeds my heart, and am learning to spend my time more wisely, and not spread myself so thing. Not always an easy task, but one I'm embracing!

I've been quite amazed at the overwhelming response I've had by people in response to my previous post - you know the one, where I laid it all out there. Yip, I'm brave. Perhaps a little bit crazy. But I'm glad I followed my heart and put it out there, because I have been so encouraged, knowing that I am not alone. And knowing that now you know that YOU are not alone. Yip, fellow moms, we're in this together. That is what community looks like.

Somehow in today' s culture we've been lulled into believing everyone else is doing just fine, and that it's just us who are failing and not keeping up and wanting to scream, or cry, or laugh hysterically. Just yesterday I ended up singing opera at my children in sheer frustration - please note I cannot sing. Not even a note. And it was wonderful, because out of that sheer frustration came pure and sweet laughter. I might just sing opera quite a lot more!

There's one thing I keep coming back to time and time again. It's that the only constant in life is change...and so the fact that we are changing things often or seeking to do things differently is okay...in fact, it's actually preparing our kids for this dynamic world. This journey of mine is going to need lot of tweaking...constantly.



Actually, on pondering this before I hit publish, I don't think that's entirely true. Love...and Change. Both constant. 

Do you ever find that when you withdraw, and start re-aligning your eyes and focusing on the Light, you can begin to see so clearly again?

As I've begun to withdraw, I've been amazed, quietly thankful at how often God has ushered things into my path that speak directly into this situation that I face...that raw brokenness, and the feeling of being utterly undone.


I know how cliched those words are. How misinterpreted words like that can be...and yet. They penetrate, causing me to question - is this the Truth? If so, what does that Truth look like right here, right now?

I'm reminded over and over about how gently he leads with his never stopping, always and forever love...

So...He speaks. And Braveheart reminds. The goal of this journey is not to teach all there is to know (slaying that feeling of sheer panic and terror when I think of all the information there is), no, the goal is simply to 


The rest of it? It'll come. There is no way humanely possible to learn all there is, or to teach all that there is in this Age of Information overload. But if we keep that at the forefront of each day, we'll get there. I don't know yet what that actually looks like on the ground, on a day to day basis, but ... we'll get there.

That's a pretty ominous way to title a post after not having written for over three months don't you think?!


I've just gone through an intense little season, and have been writing this very post in my head over the last week. I wanted to write and to share because, well, there are too few posts out there on the real challenges homeschooling mothers face. There are endless blogs depicting amazing school days and incredible learning opportunities - well, here's one showing you the nitty gritty,  the raw nuts and bolts.


About two weeks ago, I began to crack. And then spent an entire weekend in floods of tears, unable really to make any coherent kind of sense to anyone around me. Drained. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Depleted Filled with a desire to destroy my computer. uh huh. It's all true. That's how I felt. And so I took a week off - yip, I closed down school, told my kids we were on holiday, and I began to withdraw...to think, to ponder, to pray, to question, to ask, to reconsider.... (my ideal would be to do this sans kids...if we're being completely honest - see, the real nitty gritty!).


Where the Burnout Began:

1. I am a very self sufficient person - I am my own motivator, and am very driven and every now and again I can end up driving myself too hard for too long. I realized that for months I have been relying on my own strength...digging my own cisterns instead of drinking deep of that Life giving water....
2. I haven't been guarding my time wisely -  personal exercise time, which is essential to my sanity and self esteem had been taken over my all kinds of other errands and things. (I'm struggling to get back into the routine of early morning gym trips this winter, in spite of supposed strong self discipline!) In fact, personal any kind of time...what is that? Such a strange concept the more I thought about it!
   
3. I have been trying to compensate for the comparisons I was making. The best part of junior school for both my husband and I was the interaction we had with our friends, and break time. As my children are not in that system (two of the three), I have found myself compensating by creating playdates, at my house, almost every day of the week. The result? Exhaustion!
4. At the end of last year, I realized with horror that I'd dropped a few balls with my children - namely spelling, and handwriting. Desiring to make that up this year meant that I was focusing on the "skills' - the dsicplined studies exclusively instead of balancing it with the inspirational stuff - not only was I  bored, but it was such drudgery! The pendulum had now swung, but in the opposite direction!

 Battling the Burnout:
So...I began to do battle. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who patiently stood by waiting for my emotional outbursts to subside, and my kids were very gracious even though their world did seem a bit strained with mom going through all this. This is where I'm taking action:

1.  I have to find shelter in my God, I have to seek him as a refuge, and I have to keep drawing back to him more regularly, more purposefully than I have been
2. I can't do any of this without managing my time even more carefully. I need to whittle away the things that ransom my time in the Age of Distraction - for me it's FB, endless emails, and rabbit trails I follow whilst researching. And so once again, I've eliminated the few feeds I've been subscribed too (and this after my previous decluttering!). I've started checking FB fewer times in the week - and I'm aiming to get to every two or three days! I have to be strict with time for myself - exercise cannot be negotiated, even if it means the exclusion of my children's playdates. If I can drop them off whilst I gym, great, but if they want to have playdates here during that time, it cannot happen. And this needs to be balanced too. Some mornings, I'm going to have to get up early. That's it. Bottom line.
3. Comparison, the thief of all joy! I have chosen a different path, a different system, and it is going to look completely different to what my school life looked like. Their social lives are important, my children's  happiness is important...but it's all about balance.
4. I need to be strict with time for school - there's a start time, a time for disciplined studies, and a time for inspirational studies. And if my kids cannot reach reasonable goals in certain time slots, then they need to finish it for 'homework' on their own time. I want to spend time on the "fun" stuff! I've also whittled down our school - I hated all the boxes we were trying to tick, and so write now, we're focusing on Handwriting and Spelling and Reading in our disciplined studies. For inspirational studies, I've taken themes out of Sonlight's Core C, and we're treating them like Unit studies. More on that another day. Chete. (That's Shona for that's all, that's enough!).

And so here's where I'm at: making changes, carving out different ways of doing things, saying no in order to say yes! But, there are some things I still need answers for:

• I need to make time to be "re-created". I'm not getting all funny on you, but recreation means that - to be re-created, to be made whole, new. So what is it that leaves me feeling fuller, and more me and more inspired? That's what I need to discover.

• I'm hesitant to write this as there can be so many ways this is  interpreted - and so many women do seem to be able to do this - but you know me, I'm intense, all or nothing...I've found myself mournful in a way. I can see the big picture, truly I can, and I know I'm building cathedrals and all that. But If I'm honest, I'm going to admit that I'd love a week, a month, hang even a day just all to myself. I'd love to learn how to do things now. I catch myself thinking, oh, that would be lovely to do, it'll have to wait till the kids leave home. I don't want to put my life on hold for the next 15 years, and then start doing all the things I want to do. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure what all those things are...I just know I want some *permission* perhaps to live a little more. I do love my kids, truly I do. But right now, this is how I am feeling!

And so, there you have it - a real inside story for y'all.