Posted by : Karen Thursday, October 06, 2011
Tonight, I wrote this in my head whilst sitting on Noordhoek beach at sunset.
It was beautiful.
A beautiful tranquil ending to a stunning summer's day.
But that was the outside.
On the inside, I was churning. I was ugly.
Dark and twisted.
Those are the words I've used this week to describe my inner world.
I am having one of THOSE weeks. You know? The ones you think no one else could ever have?
Well, friend, I've got news for you. I know this blog has lovely photos on it. And I share our golden days and special memories, and all the things that give my brain food for thought, and the insights I gleam from God, and my musings on homeschooling. Too often, all of that 'window dressing' can make you think (well, maybe?) that I'm a saint (and if you don't that's great...chuckle)...
But you know what? I'm going to take you into my life and share a piece of the *real world*.
Because somehow I think as mothers (no, I think it's more as women) we get caught by lies, which can entangle us, ensnaring us ... leaving us all choked up. And we can forget that we are not alone. One of my fond memories a few years ago is meeting with a mom whom I love and respect (in the memory, I have tears streaming down my face and am sobbing), and her describing to me an afternoon where in frustration and anger she threw her kids shoes down the passage after them! My tears turned to laughter (after a wee while), because up until that point I didn't think she could possibly have moments like that in her home. Turns out she did.
It's only when we are vulnerable with one another that we get to see that we are not alone.
And so I'm choosing to be vulnerable. Because I want you to know you are not alone.
My dark and twisted moments stem from parenting in a way that I never wanted to - somehow this week I am at loggerheads with all three of my precious children. My constant prayer is that God would not only save my children from me, but save me from myself, and let's face it, that's really not a very nice prayer to be sending up now is it? It always comes back to my tone...this is one Goliath I would really like to slay. And while we're at it, if I had more grace for them I think that would help too.
And it gets worse. O yes. Because this dark and twisted mood is a swirling vortex, pulling anything into it...including poor Braveheart. It is a grand challenge for me to remember that at the end of a day when I am filled with self loathing, that he is not the enemy, and that we are actually on the same team.
So. Somehow I'm hoping that God will work some kind of miracle overnight, or wave a wand like a fairy godmother and tomorrow morning I'll be the sweetest mother (and wife) ever...but I think the reality is that tomorrow is another day I will be falling into his grace and relying on him. Perhaps I'll copy the monks and take a vow of silence...
Here's hoping you know that you're not alone...with love....